Wine, Monster Munch and Tabasco "Can Cure Common Cold", Says Leading Radiographer

A leading radiographer has stunned the medical world by claiming that recent research undertaken by his team in Bromley, south London, indicates that the curious combination of Monster Munch, red wine and Tabasco sauce has had remarkable restorative effects upon sufferers of the common cold.

"All signs point to the fact that this curious and highly specific combination of foodstuffs have a very powerful effect of nullifying the symptoms, and could even cure, the common cold,' says J. Jon Jonathan 'Rogers' Rogers, Chief Radiographer of NHS Bromley South.

MAMPAM Appears Out Of Nowhere!

Oh, steady the mountains, look over your boulders, here come the ancients; it's MAMPAM!!!!
Who'd a thunk it? After a hiatus of literally weeks, where nobody could find it, MAMPAM surprises us all by launching itself from the NHS servers and out into the ether, grabbing us all by the perpendiculars and screaming in our faces: 'Would you like some Spontaneous Combustion Sauce with that, Vicar?'
 
Christ, I'm excited. I mean, really really excited. Do you want to know why? I bet you can't guess. This man wants to know the reason why. He really really wants to know the reason why.
 
 

 
I'll tell you the reason why - because MAMPAM is back, hoo yah!
 
I got this email from Jon, our man in Maidstone, recently:
 

"I've drunk quite a lot of wine recently. On occasion I've eaten some pizza. I even looked at a bag of Monster Munch. Flamin' Hot flavour if memory serves. But at no point were all three combined. This hasn't sat right with me.

But what's to be done?' I hear you ask. Well MAMPAM, that's what."

 

I hear you Jon. That's why this MAMPAM is going to be an October Special! Oh yes! Look to the stars and grapple with your senses; rinse your pies down the plughole and gawp no longer at the traction belts of fame, for this is the time when we tale a bunsen burner to the leaky gas pipe of life, and say 'Eggs to you, slaphapplers!'

Úm Úpdate

Phew! Glad I got that off my chest! Right, now t more pressing matters. The Úm Louts play Davies International Tonight. We have a strapped up squad but we believe that we can make it another 3 points and another unbeaten game. We are up to 3rd today, where will we be come the end of the game today?

See you at MAMPAM!

'4-0' - A Short Story. Plus Week 7 Match Report

                ‘4-0.’ Green’s voice faltered slightly as he delivered the words, but he hoped that his diffidence wouldn’t be detected on the other end of the phone.
                ‘4-0?’ O’Loughlin replied. His voice was calm, but that didn’t yet assuage Green’s fears.
                ‘Yes, four.’
                ‘4-0?’ replied O’Loughlin again, this time his voice higher. ‘Tell me it was a good defeat; a defeat in the manner of the one we suffered against the Hurricanes.’

MAMPAM - Get Ahead Of The Games, Prepare Now!

The MAMnium seems to have caught people's imaginations, with Alex, Ben and Daniel adding a further 3 events to the parlour-based heptathlon of the decathlon of the velodrome. Read on to make sure that you are fully prepared for what is surely going to be a monster MAMPAM.

The Importance Of Being Punctual

With everyone champing at the bit to get this week's MAMnium* underway, let's make sure this gets underway on time.

*Jon's update: No bugle available for the MAMnium because Mike took it with him when he was turfed out by Claire (see above video) and Margaret. Replacement instruments are currently being sought.

The Úm Louts Match Report: Week VI

Week VI saw The Úm Louts drag ourselves onto the league leaders and our toughest test. Complications arose by way of the captain being waylaid and unable to play owing to a burst arm (or rib) and Pete having a broken arse. With the captain out of action it was up to me to write the report on yet another glorious defeat, following in a long line of glorious English defeats: the Light Brigade, Harold II and Gazza.

The Úm Louts Match Report: Week V

Week 5 of the Elms' Summer League saw the mighty warriors of the Úm Louts potted against the evil Rocketeers. We lost in an enthralling encounter but the mood in the camp was not darkened, as the Captain's email will show.

Let me take you back a few years.

Eight years in fact. A time when the ‘Double Dip’ meant nothing to anyone, where the Olympics were no more than a pipe dream, where The News Of The World was core reading on a Sunday. A time when Nokia ruled the roost, Snake 2 occupied our time, careers were being forged by all of us. Schumacher winning every week, Pie Club on a Thursday, Late Night London venues aplenty, before Joe swapped Balham for Brooklyn, and we swapped Joe for Pete.

The MAMnium

MAMPAM hasn't really figured during the London 2012 MAMPAM Olympics* so far. Well, we would not want to steal Lord Coe's thunder, would we? Everybody knows that MAMPAM is the world's premier gathering of athletes, where the sipping of red wine (never glug a lovely wine, I always say), freestyle wrestling contests and marathon Monster Munch eating contests are at the forefront of the games.

Are Ümlauts Acceptable in a MÄMPÄM?

I'll be honest, I'm dead against it. for one thing it could make searching for MAMPAM a lot more difficult on Google.

But then, they do look like two tiny little Mr Magoo eyes, so I don't know who'll win.

Any thoughts?

Captain's Email #3: 17-07-2012

Last in the series before we catch with the present, here is the match summary of last week's painful 4-2 defeat against the evil Harry Monks...

Captain's Email #2; 10--07-2012

Part 2 of my quest to update the MAMPAM / Üm Lout sees me revisit the week when poor Alex was called away for a disciplinary hearing in New York, so I had to stand in as Vice Captain. The week also saw us take a cool three points by way of the far-from-punctual The Marones. But that didn't mean we couldn't get a game in, and luckily Jumpers for Goals stepped up to offer us a new challenge..

Captain's Email #1: 03-07-2012

In a bid to play catch up with real-life, I will be being a good Loutish Vice-Captain and publishing the rambling warblings of the Üm Lout Captain Alex Green to the troops here. To start off, here is the match report from Week 1, against Shaken Not Stirred FC of the Summer League...

The Üm Louts

MAMPAM has traditionally been a bastion and birthplace of many new traditions. Traditionally these traditions have erred on the side of more traditional traditions, such as the eating of pizza, the monstering of munch, and the regardement of Christ-bitingly crappy films.

STAGPAM

UPDATE: just found this draft post, written before STAGPAM and the Long Day's Journey Into Cardiff. It doesn't represent the best of the MAMPAM posts. No wonder I didn't post it before. But here it is for the sake of completion. As Martin the Dullard from Extras, or perhaps Hannibal Lecter in the role of Heideggerian analyst, would say: Enjoy!

STAGPAM

So it begins, the final descent into the oblivion of Caerdydd for one showdown before I leave single life and embark upon the road of marital bliss.

But MAMPAM isn't afraid, and comes along for the ride, lurking deep within each of us, the

MAMPAM: Strength Beyond Strength

I've been hearing some trash being talked and some bull being spouted about how MAMPAM fell off. 'Bout how MAMPAM be filled wit' milk-drinkers, sops and pantywaists. Well dang them! Dang them all! Listen up, let me tell you how it's going to go down.

We No Longer Control MAMPAM. MAMPAM controls us.

It's taken a week, but by jove MAMPAM wasn't going to let us get away with not reporting on its latest awakening into the world of the living.

Regular readers will know about A Beautiful MAMPAM, which featured minimal bullying and ended with us watching interpretations of Chopin on Youtube. What a bloody disgrace, you might have thought, and quite right too. Well, MAMPAM clearly thought so, and hit back with lashings of Spontaneous Combustion sauce, causing mild breathing difficulties in at least two of the MAMMERs and PAMMERs (Alex and yours truly),

Whatever Happened To The MAMPAM Lads?

Bolam: Not a MAMPAM member.

MAMPAM has been under considerable duress of late. Actually, scratch that. MAMPAM's very existence has been called into question.

If that sounds rather dramatic, consider this; MAMPAM is not unlike Fight Club, inasmuch as it has two rules. The first rule is: NO GIRLS ARE ALLOWED. The second rule is never take the word of MAMPAM in vain (there are several Traditions also associated with MAMPAM, but these are probably best tackled in another blog).

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest Review

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
Lost Theatre, Lambeth

Verdict: 3.5 / 5 MAMPAMs

The timing of the decision of Lambeth's Lost Theatre Company to stage Dale Wasserman's adaptation of Ken Kesey's seminal 1963 novel One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest is strangely, if perhaps coincidentally, pertinent. The novel's themes of individualism battling hard to survive against a suppressive, but outwardly kindly, Big Other, have not been so relevant for some time. The trend for libertarianism and a cutting back of state-endorsed censorship is currently strong amongst the wider public, but also among theatre-goers, as testified by DV8's riproaring production Can We Talk About This? currently on at the National Theatre.

A beautiful MAMPAM

MAMPAM VI was a civilised affair, with minimal bullying, no spillages, lots of swearing and a nice film about a crazy man - Grizzly Man. Perhaps next time Fitzcarraldo would be appropriate?

Wey Hey, MAMPAM!

MAMPAM is not in thrall to the cult of celebrity. We often contemplate whether a pizza dipped in Tabasco sauce and accompanied by a lovely glass of shiraz would be improved if we were sitting next to Tim Vine, or that one off The Only Way Is Essex. The answer is invariably a resounding, vomit-splattered no.

Happy New MAMPAM

The year is 2012. The Mayans have spoken of the apocalypse.

And only MAMPAM can save the world.

Everybody sing (to the tune of Neil Hannon's finest...)

Take the MAMPAM Filmfest when your carpet’s a mess
And it’s stained with wine.
All human life is here

Sipping red wine and beer, and we’re feelin’ fine.
From the Rogers who knows that to spill one of those
Would be suicide