The Úm Louts Match Report: Week VI

Week VI saw The Úm Louts drag ourselves onto the league leaders and our toughest test. Complications arose by way of the captain being waylaid and unable to play owing to a burst arm (or rib) and Pete having a broken arse. With the captain out of action it was up to me to write the report on yet another glorious defeat, following in a long line of glorious English defeats: the Light Brigade, Harold II and Gazza.

Thermopylae is a rather unassuming place in eastern Greece. Its name literally means ‘Hot Gates’, after the hot sulphur springs that flank it on the ancient coastal path. If you visited it now, you would see some scrubland, some vertiginous hills and the road to the town of Anthela. But it is more famous for its place in ancient history, when the waters of the now-shrunken Malian Gulf reached up to the sides of the coastal path, which at its narrowest point was only 100 metres wide.

It was at this point that a small army of 300 Spartans, 700 Thespians and 400 Thebans and a ragtag bunch of others, led by the Spartan King Leonidas I, were able to repel the vast and vile armies of the Persian Emperor Xerxes I, numbering one million strong, for two whole days of battle. The rearguard, which has been heralded down the ages since as an example of the power of using terrain, training, patriotism and courage as force multipliers to mount a defence against seemingly insurmountable odds, was ultimately in vain. Leonidas’s tiny army was eventually overwhelmed, but the Persians had been rattled, and played a small part in the defence of Greece, which in the end was successful.

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Shadwell is a rather unassuming place in eastern London. Its name literally means ‘Shallow Creek’ after the Anglo-Saxon fliet, and was an area of low lying marshland until it was drained. If you visited it now, you would see some Asian grocery stores, a Tesco Express and the road to the district of Aldgate. But it is more famous for its place in recent history, when the waters of the summer rain lightly pitter-pattered across the Elms five-a-side pitches, which at their narrowest point are only about 12 metres wide.

It was on this area that a small, ragtag band of Üm Louts, shorn of their leader, were able to repel the vast and vile army of the Hurricanes, for 25 whole minutes of football. Just like the Hot Gates, last night will go down as an example of how courage, heart and strength can act as force multipliers to mount a defence against seemingly insurmountable odds. Again, our stout defending was ultimately in vain, and once the Gates were breached, the floodwaters rushed in and we were swept away. But for 25 glorious minutes we held them, we repelled them, and we even scared them. Last night was our Thermopylae.

And now for the match report.

Pre-Match

-       GET THE MEDICS #1! Alex pulls out of the game with his rib.

-       GET THE MEDICS #2! Pete pulls out of the game with his arse.

-       Us all getting changed, going out into the corridor and seeing Ben in full Üm Lout kit, It gave us all a massive lift.

-       Our set piece routines. Mind-jangling optimism + ubiquitous incompetence = comedy gold

-       Darryl’s beach volleyball hand signals before the set pieces. Good job he wasn’t wearing a bikini

-       Practise shots. Once again, nobody was safe. Especially if you happened to live on the roof of the school. 

During The Match

-       Darryl’s idea of taking a shot off the kick off. My shot was only inches wide, but it signalled our intent and caught them on the hop

-       Jon’s awesome goalkeeping. He kept them out like a hero

-       Our diligent defending. I really do think that once we have the concentration and fitness to effectively last the match we will be a very hard team to break down.

-       Kevin’s beautiful through balls. Always has time on the ball.

-       Ben’s knee holding out rather well, and him defending like a hero, always blocking, always harrying.

-       Russell also defending like a hero, always hustling, always chipping away.

-       Them being so frustrated that they started shouting and swearing at each other. We were winning the mind games.

-       The defences are breached! A goal for the hurricanes after about 25 minutes.

-       My superb tactical decision to put Jon on pitch, and me in goal. Only shipped the six goals after that.

After The Match

-       The new local once again proving an immeasurable ümprovement on the Castle. Still don’t know what it’s called though.

-       Russell got promoted! Congratulations, and drinks all round.

-       Ben subbing me £5, and getting £5 back.

-       Wichita Lineman being played in the pub. Glorious tune.

-       Darryl’s celebratory milk.

-       Our pledge to take a scalp or two before the league is out. I can feel it; we’re going to do it! 

With love and úmlauts 

The Vice-Captain