A leading radiographer has stunned the medical world by claiming that recent research undertaken by his team in Bromley, south London, indicates that the curious combination of Monster Munch, red wine and Tabasco sauce has had remarkable restorative effects upon sufferers of the common cold.
"All signs point to the fact that this curious and highly specific combination of foodstuffs have a very powerful effect of nullifying the symptoms, and could even cure, the common cold,' says J. Jon Jonathan 'Rogers' Rogers, Chief Radiographer of NHS Bromley South.
The common cold, a virus, has long been the bane of people around the world, and until the early 20th century and the development of penicillin, often proved to be fatal. Famously, while numerous remedies exist for the suppression or temporary relief of symptoms, no known cure has ever been discovered for it. However, Rogers claims that something as simple as a change in diet could be all it takes to destroy the virus and stop its effects overnight.
"My team of four, including myself, have undertaken a privately-funded study over an eighteen month period, entitled MAMPAM (Monster And Munch, Pizza And Munch), whereby the efficacious method of ingesting Monster Munch, coupled with Tabasco sauce and red wine, has been proven repeatedly," says Rogers.
Pizza also has proven to be very effective, but only when garnished with lashings of hot Tabasco sauce. "Pizza is effective as a catalyst, but really you don't need to look beyond Monster Munch and Tabasco Sauce," says Rogers, before adding "curiously, when the programme investigated other potato-based snacks the results were not as good. The French Monster Munch was partially effective in relieving symptoms, but did not kill the virus completely."
However, while these findings have been effective, there are some who believe that subsisting upon a diet almost exclusively consisting of alcohol, fried potato snacks and a condiment has some side effects which are detrimental to one's health.
"I used to be part of the MAMPAM programme," said a former guinea pig for the MAMPAM programme, who wished to be known only as Mike. "But it became too much for me. I became moody, foul-mouthed, and highly constipated. My libido dropped and I began to hallucinate to the point where I thought (Hollywood actor) Steve Guttenburg wanted to visit me at my flat."
What's more, when asked for comment, Dr Elizabeth McGonnegagal of the Shadwell Infirmary for the Irrefutably Not Well, said the claims were "absolute horseshit."
Rogers's research remain highly controversial, but are likely to find some adherents as the cold weather begins to bite and many people will begin to turn to any remedy they can find to fend off the sniffles as they travel to and from work in the coming weeks, so don't be surprised to find the odd packet of Monster Munch floating around on the floor of a tube train.
"All signs point to the fact that this curious and highly specific combination of foodstuffs have a very powerful effect of nullifying the symptoms, and could even cure, the common cold,' says J. Jon Jonathan 'Rogers' Rogers, Chief Radiographer of NHS Bromley South.
The common cold, a virus, has long been the bane of people around the world, and until the early 20th century and the development of penicillin, often proved to be fatal. Famously, while numerous remedies exist for the suppression or temporary relief of symptoms, no known cure has ever been discovered for it. However, Rogers claims that something as simple as a change in diet could be all it takes to destroy the virus and stop its effects overnight.
"My team of four, including myself, have undertaken a privately-funded study over an eighteen month period, entitled MAMPAM (Monster And Munch, Pizza And Munch), whereby the efficacious method of ingesting Monster Munch, coupled with Tabasco sauce and red wine, has been proven repeatedly," says Rogers.
Pizza also has proven to be very effective, but only when garnished with lashings of hot Tabasco sauce. "Pizza is effective as a catalyst, but really you don't need to look beyond Monster Munch and Tabasco Sauce," says Rogers, before adding "curiously, when the programme investigated other potato-based snacks the results were not as good. The French Monster Munch was partially effective in relieving symptoms, but did not kill the virus completely."
However, while these findings have been effective, there are some who believe that subsisting upon a diet almost exclusively consisting of alcohol, fried potato snacks and a condiment has some side effects which are detrimental to one's health.
"I used to be part of the MAMPAM programme," said a former guinea pig for the MAMPAM programme, who wished to be known only as Mike. "But it became too much for me. I became moody, foul-mouthed, and highly constipated. My libido dropped and I began to hallucinate to the point where I thought (Hollywood actor) Steve Guttenburg wanted to visit me at my flat."
What's more, when asked for comment, Dr Elizabeth McGonnegagal of the Shadwell Infirmary for the Irrefutably Not Well, said the claims were "absolute horseshit."
Rogers's research remain highly controversial, but are likely to find some adherents as the cold weather begins to bite and many people will begin to turn to any remedy they can find to fend off the sniffles as they travel to and from work in the coming weeks, so don't be surprised to find the odd packet of Monster Munch floating around on the floor of a tube train.
Firstly let me say how pleasantly surprised I am that a nurse has found a working treatment for a particularly difficult area of medicine.
ReplyDeleteI am curious; does the cure cover all 200+ viruses that cause the common cold? And can this work be extrapolated to cure other viruses that mutate in the same way such as HIV?
@Pete, fear not: extensive research is underway on these very topics. The next major milestone in the programme, 'A Very Merry MAMPAM,' likely to be completed in December 2012, will look to see whether Port, used either as a red wine replacement and/or supplement, will have any effects upon a wide variety of common-cold-related viruses.
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